A fresh start

A blog post has been much overdue; I am sorry it has taken me nearly a year. I could call this an update, but I'd rather label it 'a fresh start' because, deep down, that is all I want.

 Most people that know me, or have read this blog before will know I suffer from the mental health condition anorexia nervosa. This illness has been my companion for the best part of four years which upsets me to reflect upon, but I tell myself that it is there for a reason. I reckon I have been through every form of treatment there is available: GP appointments, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), Group therapy, countless Individual therapy sessions (private and on the NHS), CRT (Cognitive Remediation Therapy), Person-centred therapy, an inpatient admission, CAMHS, school counsellors, medication - but the point came where, frankly, I had had enough. Enough. It had got to the point where I no longer felt that anything was working and nor that anything would ever work but over the last few weeks something changed. I was faced with the bleak reality that again I have sunk deeper into anorexia's paradise: the restricting cycle. Yet, to anorexia's disgust, my loved ones are one step ahead of its cat and mouse games and were prepared to tackle it head-on; whether that meant losing me again to the lair of the professionals or through another bout of therapy. In previous experience, I would stand my guard with anorexia's shield; I would lie and say I was fine, deflect my problems and simply just deny deny deny. But you get to the point where you can't do it anymore. I could not fucking do it anymore. It hit me how much I have already lost to anorexia: four of my teenage years, holidays in the sun, meeting up with friends, exercise, school trips, birthday cake, nights out - do I really want children, university and my future career as additions to the list of The Things I Missed Out On Thanks To Anorexia?

 The profound words 'what have you got to lose?' echoed around my head on another one of my nights plagued by insomnia. So I reassured myself, that maybe just maybe, giving recovery a small chance could work. If not, I'll stick to my security blanket of anorexia's semi-existence. But is that what Isabella truly wants?

I have always been ambivalent towards recovery and possibly I still am, but right now I want to give life a chance. I would love to think that in the upcoming years I could be living independently at a uni of my choice as opposed to lying in a hospital bed. I want to envisage myself writing this blog, one day, as close to a "full recovery" as I think is possible.I want to give hope to someone in the position I am in now years down the line.  There has to be something better than this. There must be.  So no, this is not the perfect 'the flick has switched' moment, but it certainly is a moment where I can say to myself 'I am trying and I want this to work'.

So for anyone stuck in the recovery limbo, I really urge you to give it a go. You are the only person who can save yourself. This is down to you: you are the only person you are destroying by staying in this semi-life. Trust those around you and most importantly trust yourself.

Lots of love,

Is xxx